#109 Can We Talk About Dying?
A Review of The Collected Regrets of Clover by Mikki Brammer
Photo by Joan Naidorf
When my darling daughter makes a book recommendation for me, I take notice. And now I will share the insider information with all of you.
You’re welcome.
Mikki Brammer has composed a volume of youthful angst, wisdom, and biting insight into one lovely novel titled The Collected Regrets of Clover. Ms. Brammer explores many of the same ideas about facing one’s limited life expectancy as Nikki Erlick in The Measure, but in a totally different and charming way.
Brammer introduces us to her quirky protagonist, Clover, who is a death doula. Yes, I had to look that one up, too. WebMD says, “End-of-life doulas are professionals who help people prepare for their death and reflect on their life.”
Both hospice, hospital staff, and family members call the doula when the end is near. Some families ask Clover to conceal from her clients the fact that they are dying. She is firmly against this dishonest approach. She states,
“The reason so many people die with regrets is because they live like they’re invincible. They don’t really think about their death until right before it happens.” (Page 63)
We follow Clover through the highs and lows as she helps move people towards dying peacefully. It may sound morbid but this is generally a happy book. Clover helps people write the letters, call the people, or summon the client’s loved ones at the end. For one dying woman, Clover implores her to hang on until her parents can arrive at the bedside to say goodbye.
“Hope has a way of healing someone – or at least helping them hold on for that little bit longer.” (page 80)
This is a book about considering one’s life regrets, before it is too late, and then acting on them. Clover takes it upon herself to catalogue the regrets, advice, and wisdom of all her clients. In their honor, she often undertakes some action or project that her clients identify as a regret. In honor of one client, she learns how to ice skate in Central Park.
With the intimate access Clover gains at the bedside of her dying clients, she establishes a sacred professional bond. To quote the book jacket, “Death. She gets it. It’s life she can’t quite figure out.”
Like so many people, Clover hides behind her work to shield herself from the heartache and disappointments of real life. Of course, in doing so, she prevents herself from experiencing some of the sweetest joys life offers.
As a child, Clover was taught by her beloved grandfather to have patience and to hone her skills of observation. She takes these powers to an unintended extreme. She makes keen observations of the world and people around her but quite often, comes to the totally wrong conclusions about them. She comes up with thoughts that she repeats to herself so frequently, they become her beliefs.
Regarding quite a few people and circumstances, she comes to find that her thoughts are inaccurate. This is particularly true regarding the yarns she spins about her neighbors. Unlike many of her clients expressing their regrets on their death beds, Clover has a chance to come to terms with some regrets and to set things right.
There are a few unlikely twists and turns in the plot but no sucker punches or absurdities. Of course, there is death but what else would you expect? The end of life is an inevitable part of the authentic life experience. Clover’s strong interest in thanatology, the study of death and dying, teaches readers some of beautiful customs various cultures from around the world have surrounding the end of life.
Clover has been so invested in helping people have a beautiful death, she isolated herself from having a big, interactive life. She prides herself on hiding her emotions and lives vicariously through her beloved romantic comedy movies. The fortress she has built around her heart eventually starts to crack.
A very wise old neighbor finally advises Clover,
“But the secret to a beautiful death is to live a beautiful life. Putting your heart out there. Letting it get broken. Taking chances. Making mistakes…promise me kid, that you’ll let yourself live.” (page 293)
I promise you, for a book largely about death and dying, this is an uplifting book. The characters seem to be revealed but gradually, over the course of the narrative, the layers get pealed back. Clover learns to quit observing and to start living.
She finally articulates,
“I was a hypocrite. I spent my days looking death in the face and I still hadn’t found a way to manage my own grief. I was clinging on to Grandpa’s memory, and his possessions, even though he was long gone. And I dedicated more time to honoring the lessons and wisdom of other people’s lives than I did living my own.” (page 250)
As part of the preparation for some recent lectures I am giving to the public on “How to Be a Smarter Patient,” I have been reading more about end-of-life care. Since most people avoid the topic entirely, their final chapter can be filled with fear, anxiety, and regret. They do not prepare and they saddle their loved ones with loads of debt, unwanted possessions, and unanswered questions.
This work of fiction, which contains a great deal of wisdom, proposes that the end of life not have to be awful and regretful. One of my new favorite quotes from Abrahan Verghese in The Covenant of Water is this: “Fiction is the great lie that tells the truth about how the world lives!”
The Collected Regrets of Clover is the great lie that tells the truth about how the world dies.
